he

heals me…he has these ways that if you you look to fast or not close enough you miss it…the blinking of his eyes and the way he smirks at me. he loves people…he greets everyone…he calls my name when he wakes up:)

wince.

my life and world seems to be a constant balance of not giving into all the pain that resides in every corner of my body and yet i feel like it is a choice to have joy and find joy in the in between…those moments in the middle of inhaling and exhaling…those moments that i need to CHOOSE to feel….and even in the wincing pain may i find the overflow of it all…may i bask in that pain after all pain is a feeling and i would choose that over being numb anyday.

today i choose to see the beautiful even when i wince…oh how i hope i am not fooling myself.

:)

:)

today feels like one of those days that my veins seem to stream sadness. it makes me feel angry the depth the sadness reaches sometimes and yet i know that is who i am…it is that sadness that makes me who i am…it gives me purpose and emotion and those raw pieces that i believe is what makes me beautiful and able to soar.

i decided to make a list of things that make me happy….to celebrate ( and distract ) from the sad.

-feeding em her first bottle of the day…although i can hardly keep my eyes open she is the most awake and HAPPY.

-baking

-the action i created that makess everything warm and soft in photoshop.

-the belief in our story not being over.

-hudsons new word discoveries…daily.

-texting. i heart this.

-the way God chose to make things so specifically. nothing is bland.

-the smell of crayons.

-5:00pm

i realized

the other day that i typically post things that allow me to escape from my reality…things that take me away…and i do not want to seem as though i do not love my life…i love the agony and the pain and the everyday NEED….but even in this harsh journey there are these undeniable joys…blissful elation…insane highs… the moments in my reality that take my oxygen…i cannot deny the love that is so graciously given…the prayers so richly answered in this life that i have ..the life that i never expected and cannot wrap my head around. but i am not so sure that i think about what sweeps away simply because i long for there…for the end…for the completion…

jarrod and hudson and emersen and the memories…the memories that walk beside me and squeeze my hand…the life that had i not lived i would not know love the way i do…i would not SEE my children the way i do…i would not hurt so much or cry so hard or laugh with my whole being.

i love this life…this reality…but i do not love it enough to stay.

 

  i love this picture of hudson:)

i was listening…

to the kind of music that causes a surge in me….the kind of music that takes me away from all that i am feeling and hoping and wanting.  i love it when the ipod serves as some sort of transportation vessel and even for those brief moments i am in another place….the lyrics are my field of flowers…the notes my breeze. that moment is my stand on the edge of a cliff with my arms spread open and breath…if only for a second.

on this particular day it was ‘until you’ on the new dave barnes ep.

she…

arrives tomorrow in all her splendor…taking the time to trek through the mud and the high branches to SEE. through the noise and the nods and the insistent ‘i am ok’s’ she SEES. she opens her eyes and makes all those corners alive. she knew me when i was the most alive and has stuck beside me everyday i felt like i was dying since.  and with no effort at all she will grace thier lives with this breeze and this hope…she will SEE them and him in the same way…she makes me want more and know more and hope more. she reminds me that HE really does cares for the unseen in me….HE does it through her…HE cultivates me and renovates and redefines me….through her.

heres to SEEING and knowing and golden spoon and the bacholorette and my very best friend coming to town.

…

…

i believe in the rest of the story.

sense.

just when i think a few things are making a bit of sense i seem to get in a head on collision with all the things that do not make sense. the things that make me crawl…and bleed and scream out at the mountaintops i never seem to climb anymore…maybe the sting was to great or the hopes to high. maybe i forgot those parts of me…maybe they are in the ER after the crash…

so…i tend to cling to the things that make sense in the daytime…i will leave the dark shadows on my walls at night to accompany me through the nonsense. as for the day, that is what i celebrate…dirt under fingernails, living outloud moments. hudson and emersen and jarrod…and her. that is my sense today.

random

buttons and pancakes and butterflies and baked goods and really good hugs and marinades and crockpots and flowers and the color green and themed tables…

make me smile.

and i love etsy.com ….i could literally spend an afternoon on that website.

hello.

talk about slacking in the blog department.

i have missed you blog world….it is good to be back…